Well, the plan of meeting up with my sister and going with her to my doctors appointment next month is no longer in place. Yesterday, I also had an appointment, and the bus that was to take me there got delayed, and I subsequently got to my doctor way later than planned. He didn’t have time to see me when I finally got there, so today I called his secretary to reschedule a new appointment. So far, I’ve only been met with a very negative attitude towards me, two false diagnosises and I have yet to get any help from my doctor at all in terms of finding out what treatment I need and how I can get help.
When talking to the secretary, who I felt kept being hostile towards me, I finally asked her what was wrong and why she and my doctor always are so seemingly negative when they talk to me and why they keep accusing me of being uncoorperative and angry. I explained that the only intention I’ve had all along has been to get help and find out why I’ve always been mostly depressed and felt inferior among others. The secretary then explained how they (at the doctors office) find it very hard to believe me and take my explainations serious since (and this is what she actually freaking said!): “No man of my age and type should be capable of having self esteem issues”, and if I have a problem with the way I feel about myself, “I should snap out of it”.
I’ve been accused on many, many occations in my life of being everything from a stoner to a criminal. I’ve never done drugs in my life, I don’t drink more than most people do, and I have no criminal record at all. Recently, I underwent a double jaw surgery and genioplasty because of the underdeveloped and deformed jaws that I was born with, which caused my overall profile to look much different than what’s normal, I had a large overbite and have been struggling with sleep apnea and headaches for all my adult life, and combined with having no self esteem at all, I have always been accused of looking tired, sick, angry or sad by many people throughout my life. Because of my facial appearence, I have been ridiculed, bullied, wrongfully accused and talked down to, since childhood.
Today, I just couldn’t take it anymore. A double jaw surgery is a surgery that takes almost forever to recover from. My face is still swollen and combined with the braces I have in my teeth, it makes it difficult for me to talk and show facial expressions. My mood is lower than ever before and the sensation from the swelling and the pain from the braces are driving me crazy.
I told the secretary about all this stuff. Instead of getting any kind of understanding, I was shushed and told to just get myself together “because no person on earth can possibly have such problems”. I started crying and ended up hanging up.
I have decided to change to another doctor, but because there is a shortage of doctors in the part of the country where I live, getting another doctor is impossible at the moment, because none of them are currently taking any new patients.
Right now, I’m waiting for my sister to get off work so I can call her and tell her that the appointment we were going to is cancelled.
I’m sick of all of this.