I’m fucked

Well, the plan of meeting up with my sister and going with her to my doctors appointment next month is no longer in place. Yesterday, I also had an appointment, and the bus that was to take me there got delayed, and I subsequently got to my doctor way later than planned. He didn’t have time to see me when I finally got there, so today I called his secretary to reschedule a new appointment. So far, I’ve only been met with a very negative attitude towards me, two false diagnosises and I have yet to get any help from my doctor at all in terms of finding out what treatment I need and how I can get help.

When talking to the secretary, who I felt kept being hostile towards me, I finally asked her what was wrong and why she and my doctor always are so seemingly negative when they talk to me and why they keep accusing me of being uncoorperative and angry. I explained that the only intention I’ve had all along has been to get help and find out why I’ve always been mostly depressed and felt inferior among others. The secretary then explained how they (at the doctors office) find it very hard to believe me and take my explainations serious since (and this is what she actually freaking said!): “No man of my age and type should be capable of having self esteem issues”, and if I have a problem with the way I feel about myself, “I should snap out of it”.

I’ve been accused on many, many occations in my life of being everything from a stoner to a criminal. I’ve never done drugs in my life, I don’t drink more than most people do, and I have no criminal record at all. Recently, I underwent a double jaw surgery and genioplasty because of the underdeveloped and deformed jaws that I was born with, which caused my overall profile to look much different than what’s normal, I had a large overbite and have been struggling with sleep apnea and headaches for all my adult life, and combined with having no self esteem at all, I have always been accused of looking tired, sick, angry or sad by many people throughout my life. Because of my facial appearence, I have been ridiculed, bullied, wrongfully accused and talked down to, since childhood. 

Today, I just couldn’t take it anymore. A double jaw surgery is a surgery that takes almost forever to recover from. My face is still swollen and combined with the braces I have in my teeth, it makes it difficult for me to talk and show facial expressions. My mood is lower than ever before and the sensation from the swelling and the pain from the braces are driving me crazy. 

I told the secretary about all this stuff. Instead of getting any kind of understanding, I was shushed and told to just get myself together “because no person on earth can possibly have such problems”. I started crying and ended up hanging up. 

I have decided to change to another doctor, but because there is a shortage of doctors in the part of the country where I live, getting another doctor is impossible at the moment, because none of them are currently taking any new patients.

Right now, I’m waiting for my sister to get off work so I can call her and tell her that the appointment we were going to is cancelled. 

I’m sick of all of this.


I started my day with doing projectwork with my studygroup at 9 this morning. I find doing school work more interesting in my new studyprogramme than the one I decided to drop out of just before the end of the spring semester. My studygroup is also OK. I’ve managed to drag myself out of the door every day since the beginning of the semester, except thursday last week where my cold got the better of me. It’s a huge progress really. Since I finished that high school-thing for adults in 2013 (and, I guess, during it too), finding the motivation to go to lectures and studying has been close to impossible. Untill now that is. I think my main motivation right now, however, is really just fear. Fear of failing my studies due to lack of studying, and having to deal with the consequences of having made it this far and then dropping everything on the floor. Fear of not having a degree, and not being able to pay my bills for the rest of my life because I have no income. And generally, just fear of not being able to take care of myself.

And, at the same time, I fear for my future in general. I’ve come to a point now, where I’ve realized that going through life feeling less valuable, less normal and less acttractive than my peers, is not a sustainable way of being an adult. I’m sick of always feeling inferior to everyone else, and rarely ever being able to fully enjoy anything, because I almost constantly remind myself how less of a person I feel compared to everyone else. Last year, my doctor refered me to a counselor at an institution for people with personality disorders at the local hospital (no, I wasn’t committed. My mother has been on many occations, but that’s a different story). This counselor was a giant cunt (pardon my french), and within the first five minutes after I met him, he suggested I might have Aspergers Syndrome, and that he would like me to do a test the following week. So I did the test, and during the test itself, it quickly became clear, that I did not (not even slightly), fit into the diagnosis of an Aspergers patient. Because I’ve had 4 counselors before him, and because I insisted that my total lack of self esteem and self worth should be the main focus of my treatment, and that I would not under any circumstances accept otherwise, my counselor suggested to give me a temporary diagnosis of having an undefined form of personality disorder. He then adviced me to apply for a private, weekly handicap-mentor throug one of the welfare departments within the local county where I live, and have him or her to make sure that I get the support I need once or twice a week to get my everyday life to work.

I applied for having a mentor a few weeks ago. I haven’t heard anything from the welfare department yet. 

Since I doubt that a weekly mentor will do anything better in terms of how I’ve always felt inferior and less valuable as everyone else, I decided to call the only grown person in my family that I have frequently contact to – my older sister. Since childhood, my sister has always been the only adult in my family that I both had the opportunity to see often AND who was capable of giving me the normal amount of love and affection that every child needs when growing up. She adviced me to call my doctor yet again to schedule an appointment so that me and my sister can go together and then try to explain to the doctor that I need some serious counseling from a psychiatrist and not just from a normal counselor within psychology, if I am ever to have a normal life as most other people. My sister is used to dealing with personel within the psychiatry system due to all the times my mother has been commited, and she is the only one who can set the right things in motion in terms of getting me the help I need. So I hope for the best. 

It would be nice to feel normal enough to do well in job interviews, be able to have a one night stand now and then, maybe even a girlfriend, to hang out with friends and others without feeling like less than them, to go to the gym during normal hours and not late at night when there’s no people, to have the strenght to quit smoking and generally just be able to live a completely normal and happy life like most people do. I’ve spent my whole life like this, and cannot live with being sad, lonely and feeling less of person compared to others the rest of my life, as I’ve always been doing. If this doesn’t work, I’m gonna snuff it. I can’t take this anymore. This is not how life is supposed to be. 


Good evening. Or morning. Or whatever…
This is my very first blog entry, and what I plan to be just one of many more to come in the future. I guess the normal procedure here would be to introduce myself, but as far as my name and whereabouts concern, I prefer to leave that to be unknown to the reader (some of you tech’ers out there on the world wide web, probably know several ways to find out who I am anyway though…).

I might, in future blog entries, give my readers some clues and hints as to where in the world I live. Also, when I mention friends that I have, as well as the very few family members that I have, I will never show their faces or use their real names.
To celebrate my first blog entry, here’s a few clues as to who I am and who I am not:

– I am not American, British, Australian, South African, German, French, Spanish, Russian, Chinese or any kind of citizen from any of the larger countries. However, I talk to and interact with many different nationalities on a daily basis where I live. Some of my closest friends in this part of my life are not of the same nationality as me.

– I am a grown man, neither mature or young. I’m single and I’ve never been married and I have no children. I don’t have contact to most of my family (which I will dedicate a lot of future entries in my blog to elaborate on).

That’s all you will get about me for now, but you’re gonna get a lot more information about me and my life in the future. 

The purpose of this blog is to share my thoughts, feelings and struggles with others. Since I cannot share any of that with anyone I know, even though I’ve tried (with no success), this blog will serve as my online diary. As I’m starting this blog, I am in somewhat of a crisis in my life. Not a midlife-crisis, I’m still way too young for that (see, that was another hint…). But, a crisis, none the less. And one that is consisting of several things, that individually as well as together, make out the foundation of a depression that have lasted for 9 years now and has now culminated into something that will either spiral me deeper into my own madness or throw me into a brutal and mentally draining struggle to have a better life. Hopefully the latter, and hopefully I will come out of that struggle as a happier human being within the next few years. Only time will show, and I hope for the best.

Well, I guess this concludes the first entry to my blog. I’ll be back with yet another entry in near future…